The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I could fuck to npr.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
