Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
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