I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
