His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
