why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
as a side note pls kill me
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
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