U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
