you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
