After last night, I could never be a politician.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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