I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
