The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
