So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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