He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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