and you said cock pushups were impossible
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
