I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
