i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
