And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
he shaved USA in his pubs
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
