I wannas sexs uuuuu
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
We just shotgunned beers for America
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
