We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
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