I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
