I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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