I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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