My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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