Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
