I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
