Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
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