Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
