sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
