Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
