3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
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