Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Randomize
