I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
