so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
