Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
