the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
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