How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
