One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
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