Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
