the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
