It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Tell her she can't have a vagina
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Randomize
