I want to have your abortion
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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