Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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