you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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