You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
