where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
