This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
