You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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