is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
i've created a new STD.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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