we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
