What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Randomize
