idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
